"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."

12/12/2014

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."
— Wayne Dyer

Where to begin…..I’ve been wanting to get back to blogging for a while. But it seemed I never had the words to share. What I have found is that this journey is not a straight line.  It is full of many ups and downs…at least that has been the case for me. 

But what has stuck for me is that no matter where I am in this journey it is always a choice!

Back in 2006 I was miserable. I had to motivate myself. There was not anyone in my household who had a desire to be healthy and fit. I made a choice.  I did whatever had to be done to reach my goal.  But it wasn’t just about my weight and my physical body.  It was so much more.  The state of my body was a result of the state of my inner being.

Now let’s jump forward 8 years! (Wow! 8 years!! I can hardly believe it has been that long!)

I have come so far in this journey of self.  I have grown so much. Yet, there is still yet more to learn.

Just when I thought I had it figured out I slowly felt myself sliding back in to some old bad habits. But these have not resulted in complete failure, but in lessons learned.  About self and about choice.

A very high point for me in recent times was last summer(August 2013) the weekend of my little sister’s wedding. But in reality, it was the growth up to that point that brought me to that place within myself. 

I found a freedom I had not experienced before in my life up to that point.

For most all of my life up to that point I had an internal fear of what other people thought of me. Would they like me? Would I be accepted? Was I good enough?

With much self talk and even encouragement from those closest to me who believe in me I finally came to a place where I heard myself saying inside my own head, “Who cares what people think. Be you!  OWN your space!  Own your awesomeness!” It is with those words that I found myself on a dance floor, with my eyes closed being present in that moment with my own self! I didn’t need a dance partner to “hide” behind.  I stood up and was my own amazing self.  I didn’t care if people thought I couldn’t dance.  I just wanted to be in that moment and feel all of it.  And I did! I felt amazing! What a rush!  What a high!

The misery I was living in was a trap of social oppression and self oppression. 

I was feeling good about myself and the state of my physical body. I even set a goal, once again, for a photo shoot aiming for a goal date of my birthday in August 2014.  But sometime in May I decided to cancel the photo shoot for a couple different reasons. Even though I could have still pushed forward with my weight training, the mental state I put myself into prevented me from doing that.  I had convinced myself I couldn’t do it.  So many thoughts were running through my mind at that time. I gave voice to my doubts and it brought me down. As I reflect now I see how I used drinking and dancing as a way of covering my own pain of self doubt and disappointment in myself for not believing in my dream once again, for not believing in myself once again.  I remember the day I told the photographer that I was canceling the photo shoot.  I cried. In a way, I was using my newfound freedom on the dance floor as a way of covering my own pain of letting myself down in another way. This is not to say that I wasn’t enjoying myself, because I was!  I love the feeling of freedom of not caring what other people thought of me.  I loved feeling sexy on the dance floor.

But it was my choices off the dance floor that has set me back with my fitness goals/dreams. I was drinking alcohol more. I started eating more junk food. I had stopped working out altogether!

My boyfriend was so supportive and tried his hardest to motivate me to get in the gym and eating better. I appreciated that so much! But you know ultimately it was all my choice! I had to make the choice to change. He couldn’t do it for me.  But after much talking we both decided to challenge each other.  I took some measurements. OMG!!! I was devastated! I finally saw the damage I had done to myself. I had a feeling but the measurements were evidence. I had to do something!  I couldn’t continue in the direction I was heading. 

I needed to believe in myself again.  I needed to believe in my dream once again.

And so I sought out my mentor, Carlos DeJesus.

In the following posts and entries I hope to share with you my journey back to the Warrior Suz.