I had a breakthrough today. These are my thoughts. How I am seeing things. This is very personal.
About two years ago in some soul searching I unsurfaced a sense of feeling unheard. It was a pain I couldn't quite put into words or even describe what that meant to me at the time.
In a conversation today I was exploring what "true love" meant to me and how I have experienced it in my life. I have learned that fear, doubt, bitterness and resentment(amongst other negatives) block the connection that "true love" is to share between two people(in any context of any relationship, not just marriage) Those negative things build up walls so that "true love" can not connect in the way it is intended. I felt unheard in the sense that my "heart," the being of who I am, was not being heard by those closest to me and quite possibly because those walls had been built up. The times I have felt heard have been the times when there were no walls, and consequently believe "true love" could show itself wholly, but is also the time we can be most vulnerable and yet is also when we can truly touch another life.
So what does this have to do with my weight loss journey?
I believe when walls are built up in any part of our lives it blocks us from achieving and being all we are meant to be,even to be able to love ourselves enough to want to move forward in any area of our lives. I think when we can have unconditional love("true love") for ourselves we can be content with where we are so that we can move forward, instead of always looking back or putting up walls to our own forward growth. When we can learn to tear down the walls and be open to who we really are can we then be willing to turn and move in a forward direction instead of always looking back or stay in a holding pattern.
In a country song by Rascal Flatts, "Unstoppable", the words in the song say that love is unstoppable. How true is it that when you can truly love oneself that you can then be truly unstoppable.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not
boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight
in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ..
If you love yourself the way God intended you would be patient in your endeavors, you would be kind to yourself, you would not boast or be proud...etc. You will not quit. You will persevere (verb(usedwithoutobject)
Wow! yes, indeed it has been a long time! An update on the mission. fail. I did not finish.
However, the past few months have been both good and bad. Bad, in that I haven't been working out the past few weeks and have not kept up with "clean" eating. The results will show themselves. The reasons for this backward trend are indeed a result of a poor internal climate. What happens on the inside almost always shows up on the outside.
Here is something I read today that really resonated with me.
"Circumstances - it's what happens to us; it's life. There are basically
two types of people. There's the kind of person that basically accepts
their life; they just accept what's happening to them, they're up,
they're down. Basically their circumstances control them, their
feelings, their attitudes, their moods, etc. We've
all been there. Then there's another type of person that gets up
every day and they don't accept their life, they lead their life. They
determine their priorities, they determine their choices. They still
have negative circumstances like everyone, but they lead their lives.
The difference isn't in how life treats you, it's in how you respond to
life. We can't control the positives and negatives of life, many of the
circumstances sure. But we can control our reaction to them, our
attitudes, how we live. They're the settings of life’s chessboard, or
the kind and amount of the challenges on life’s game. It’s the way the
scenario is presented to us. However, WE are the players; WE decide how
we are going to face and tackle each obstacle towards OUR goals. We may
fall, we may get hurt, we may lose some plays … But WE have to make
every effort we can and make each play worth having being played!
Circumstances don't make you. You make yourself."
The circumstances of my life the past few months have not been ideal and have mostly been out of my control. Divorce and loss of my job, both within 2 weeks of each other, and also losing contact with one of my best friends. I was doing ok for a while, but then started focusing on the "sting" of rejection. When I read this quote above, I realized I was letting my circumstances control me, my feelings, my attitude, my moods. I was letting my feelings of rejection control my life. I was basically letting myself go through the motions. I was letting my Powerful Reasons Why fade. I was starting to focus on what was "missing" in my life.
The Good. I have met an amazing man who is helping me to regain my focus. He is helping me to see what is good and great in my life again. He has helped me to reclaim my smile.
We shared a trip to Panama City Beach, Florida earlier this month.
We are planning a return trip in May. As of today, it is 84 days away.
I have been dragging my feet to move forward with my life. I basically feel like I have been coasting in my life the past few months. The dreams and goals I set out for myself in early November had been pushed back. The quote above reminds me I need to get back into the game and start Making my own plays. I need to dig deep to find that drive and determination I had back in September 2006 when I started this weight loss journey, to take control of my inner climate. I can continue to let the waves carry me wherever they may or I can set out my sails and direct my ship.
I can say I will start another mission with an external motivator as a return trip to Panama City Beach, but in reality for me external motivators have proven to not be a motivating factor. I need an internal motivation. They say "the pain of staying where you are has to become greater than the pain to change" in order to make changes in your life. It was true for me in 2006 and it is true for me in 2012. The internal motivator is how I feel about myself. I want to feel confident in myself again. I want to believe in my dreams again. I can not do this for anyone else or for a trip back to the beach. I must do this for me. It is not a selfish thing. Making myself better for me will only result in making myself better for others.
Mission: PCB2/Return to me How am I going to do this? Mindset is key!! It is the key to any transformation. What I am thinking and saying and believing about myself are the determining factors in a successful "mission" and transformation. Affirmations are a great way to change what I am thinking, saying and believing about myself. Affirmations are what helped me to lose 90 lbs. And it is what will help me to regain my confidence...as well as a "beach ready" body. Metabolic Masterpiece. Scott Tousignant has designed an amazing program. This has to top off any other program he has put together for the length I have been following him.(since 2006) The two phases I have done I thoroughly enjoyed.
Part of my internal motivations is to regain my self-confidence. A great confidence boosting feat would be to become a "Metabolic Masterpiece" success story. Accountability/Support. First and foremost, I must be accountable to myself. But it helps to enlist others to assist you in this area. Without accountability and support it would be all too easy to just quit when the going gets tough. One form of accountability I will use will be to follow through with posting on this blog. A couple of years ago I was a part of an online fitness forum and daily postings was a key factor in accountability and even the support of fellow members. Daily pics was also a part of that accountability.
Part of this accountability/support is a "challenge" shared with this amazing man in my life. I have "challenged" him to lose 40 lbs by my birthday in August. The "challenge" for me is to drop my bodyfat % to 21% (from my starting scale bf% of 30%) by May 19 and to 15% by my birthday in August. Powerful Reason Why. I want to regain my self-confidence. I want to feel good about myself again. I don't want to feel the pain of disappointment. The numbers don't really mean anything to me. It is the way I will feel when I reach those numbers. I want to feel Unstoppable!
How I felt at the end of this video...this is my PRW...my internal motivator.
Starting Stats:
As of 2/12/12
weight: 157.2 lbs
waist: 34"
hips: 41"
scale bf%: 30%
Goal: by May 19, 2012
weight: 150 lbs.
waist: 32"
hips: 39"
scale bf%: 21%
The days already seem like they are just going by so quickly.
And I continue to ask myself, "Am I giving 100%?" Some days
are yes, some are more like 98%.
The "off" parts are mainly timing of eating and quantity of
food. One night I had a couple of cookies, but besides that I
am doing great. I am loving my workouts and am still
progressing in weights and reps. Tonight was lower body,
consisting mainly of squats. Heavy lifts of 3-5 reps.
Barbell squats I am up to 135# (which is good for me). (up
from 115# three weeks ago) Progress!
I do believe I am seeing changes in my comparison from day 1 on
November 21. I feel "tighter".
My December Promise:
I keep eating right.
I remember this is my dream.
I work through the pain.
I keep smiling
I wake up every morning Determined to go to bed with
satisfaction.
I remind myself, I am not alone.
I drink more water.
I push harder.
I do not give up. Ever.
I am unstoppable.
I am seeing changes for sure. for sure the tummy and hips. I
have not taken any measurements since day 1. I will do that
next week. But I am confident I am making progress and
positive changes.
I found this awesome pic on facebook today. I have printed it up
and put it up right in front of me just above my computer so I can
see it every day.
It has been a good two days since my last post.
The
biggest thing has been keeping the question, "Are you giving 100%?"
forefront in my mind. Also the thought that if I am not
giving this program my 100% commitment, then my word means
nothing. I want to be a person of character and
integrity. And I do that by living my core values and
beliefs.
I have decided to allow myself a few "off plan" treats (popcorn and
a few pizza breadsticks). And to me, these food items I am not
considering as taking me off that 100% commitment. I have
been sticking pretty close to eating every 3-4 hours. And the
past few days my tummy just feels like it is "tighter".
I think I need to change the wording to this poster.
"I keep eating right.
I remember this is my Dream.
I continue to work through the pain.
I keep smiling.
I wake up every morning DETERMINED to go to bed satisfied.
I am not alone.
I drink more water.
I push harder.
I press on!"
As I did my HIIT cardio tonight a lot of self talk was going
on.
"Give it 100%!"
"think about how awesome you going to look and feel come Feb.
14."
I have my PRW taped to my elliptical so I can see it as I
exercise. It was "speaking" to me. "If you really want
this, you're gonna have to work for it. It's just not going
to come to you. I'm not going to just sit by and molly coddle
you, I'm going to push you. If you really want this, you have
to believe. You've done this before and you can do it
again!
Don't put your head down! Look up! Keep your eyes on
"me". Focus on the why. Focus on the dream. the
harder you push the closer you get. If I am really your PRW
you will keep me in your heart and you will know I am with you in
every moment. Keep going, you're almost there. "
These were the things I was saying in my mind.
And it worked!
Here are side by side comparison from day 1 to today.
Openness. willingness or readiness to receive (especially
impressions or ideas).(free Online dictionary)
I have found myself saying that "I am Open ..." a lot lately.
I do believe it started shortly after my divorce was final the end
of October. I remember saying I was open for what was to come
the week I was in Jersey with Elaine.
I wanted to soak in every moment I was there, which to me, is to be
open to the experience. Elaine shared some things with me
that, if I wasn't open to receive those ideas it could have had a
negative effect. But I remember saying I was open to whatever
she had to say.
I believe that "openness" is what allowed me to not react
negatively to losing my job only one day upon my return back
home. I remember praying, "Ok, God, I am open to whatever it
is you have for me. I am not afraid. I trust in
You."
The very next day, I got a call from a friend who had no idea I had
just lost my job, offering me a possible part time job. That
same day I also had two people contact me "out of the blue" about
helping with weight loss/training.
I believe because I was open to what was to come, that things were
opened to me. I do believe "things" don't just come to you
unless Someone believes you are ready to receive.
Elaine shared with me some "hard" questions and also a blog post
that said "HELLO!!" to me. When the student is ready(open to
learn) the teacher appears. I am open to what is before
me. I am open to the "hard" questions. I am open to
finding my own answers.
Some of those answers has prompted me to take action. To be
committed to my dream, to be committed to the outcome, to be committed
to the process.
My sister has "volunteered" me to be her hair color model on
Monday. She said the only "requirement" is to be open to
whatever the instructor wants to do. I told her I was open
for whatever. I believe the outcome will be awesome, because
I am open to it!
I believe if we lived "closed" lives we will not reach our
potential, nor will we dream dreams and go after our dreams and
goals. When we open ourselves up to the possibilities, the
possibilities come to us. Mind you, there is action involved
once we are presented with the opportunity, idea,
dream.
The most important action to take is the first step. I was
reminded of this tonight in an instant message from a gal on
facebook I hardly even know.
How does this happen? I am Open.
As Carlos has reminded us today:
"Because it is commitment not words that
keep us on task.
Obviously this is not for
everyone.
Discipline feels no obligation to offer an
apology for the process that forges bone into steel- so we
shouldn’t be looking for it. Nor does it have ears to hear
complaints- no one has to do this, anyone can bail out leave at any
time.
But if we embrace the process then we will
be transformed into something that we never were but always
wanted to be."
To me this says, Be open to the process and put action to it by
being committed. Words mean nothing unless we put into action
the commitment. I believe this is what Elaine was thinking when she
asks the question, "Are you giving it 100%? If not, why
not?" If I am not giving 100% to the commitment of
working this program with all I've got, then my words mean
nothing! Then this mission does not hold it's true
meaning.
I am "embracing the process" and am transforming into something I
never have been, but always wanted to be. I am not the
same person I was, because I have been OPEN to change and
growth.
I am OPEN!
The past few days since I answered those questions I have been
committed 100% to the process. I am having some awesome
workouts. I am eating the way I need to. I am making
right choices that will take me closer to reaching my goal.
Today I feel thinner. My muscles are feeling good and worked.
"Why aren't you following your plan? OK, two questions. What
does this mission mean to you? Are you giving it 100%? If not, why
not? I guess that's four questions. You don't have to respond to
me. These are some questions I would ask myself." Thank you, Elaine, for that! I was thinking about
these questions all day...and into my workout this
evening.
I know you said I don't have to respond, but I'd like to. If
for anything to explore for myself and think "out loud", if you
will. "Why aren't you following your
plan?" to be honest, I just got
lazy. I had my kids and chose not to workout. I allowed
the day to go on without sticking to my plan. It wasn't
because I didn't have time. It was a choice. 'It's OK,
I'll work out tomorrow.'(but it didn't happen the next day
either.) Affirmation: I follow my plan because I am
committed to the results following my plan will achieve for
me.
"What does this mission mean to
you?" the warrior mind code comes to
mind.
"I no longer accept the mediocre in my life, but accept the
challenge of doing my best each moment before me.
I lead and live as an example for others to follow.
I train hard.
I set challenging goals for myself, and hold myself accountable to
their achievement.
I accept nothing less of myself for I am worthy of their
achievement.
Every day that I breathe I remain committed.
Consistently without fail, I will never quit.
I will never quit."
It means feeling that feeling I had when I did those 5 chinups back
in Feb.2010. Feeling strong. Feeling powerful beyond
measure. Mind, body and soul. "Are you giving it 100%?" Well, no,
actually, as evidenced by my not following my own plan. but
that changed today.
I DO have control whether or not I give 100% ! Affirmation: I give each day 100% . I give 100% to my
nutrition and weight training, because when I do reaching my goal
is only a matter of time. I give 100% to my mind and spirit
as that will give me the drive and determination to press on
towards my goal.
I will ask myself these questions. I will answer them with
Powerful Affirmations.
Is what I am thinking, saying, doing, eating helping me get closer
to my goal?
My goal isn't just about my physical body, but about becoming who I
am meant to be. Every choice I make is a reflection of me and
my character and commitment.
As first weeks go, it wasn't what I had planned. I am still working on my meal plan. Thursday and Friday workouts were not done. But I did make some minor changes in stats.
With it being Thanksgiving many thoughts were centered around what I am thankful for. A recent conversation also introduced what is it that makes us happy. Those things, in turn, are also things to be thankful for. Simple things that put a smile on our faces.
Music. Music is a powerful thing. Music reminds us of memories from our past. Music brings meaning to the moments were are in right now...which will be future memories. Music can affect your emotions. I listen to music when I workout.
Laughing with friends. What a treasure this is! I love it when you laugh so hard your sides start hurting and you can't breathe. Your face hurts from smiling so much.
There really are so many more simple things that can make you happy and by sharing them with someone else, you can then make someone else happy.
These are the things we need to think about, especially in those times where you are down.
This is also the way we need to think when it comes to our physique goals. Those things mentioned above promote good feelings within us. Think of your dream, your goal. What good feelings will you feel when you reach your goal. Will you feel like smiling? Will you be happy? Will you be thankful? Don't wait until you reach your goal to feel those feelings. Feel them now, as if! Make each day full of "happy" and "thankful" thoughts and feelings.
Enjoy the Journey!
How will you feel when you reach your goal? Live it Now!
