I had a breakthrough today. These are my thoughts. How I am seeing things. This is very personal.
About two years ago in some soul searching I unsurfaced a sense of feeling unheard. It was a pain I couldn't quite put into words or even describe what that meant to me at the time.
In a conversation today I was exploring what "true love" meant to me and how I have experienced it in my life. I have learned that fear, doubt, bitterness and resentment(amongst other negatives) block the connection that "true love" is to share between two people(in any context of any relationship, not just marriage) Those negative things build up walls so that "true love" can not connect in the way it is intended. I felt unheard in the sense that my "heart," the being of who I am, was not being heard by those closest to me and quite possibly because those walls had been built up. The times I have felt heard have been the times when there were no walls, and consequently believe "true love" could show itself wholly, but is also the time we can be most vulnerable and yet is also when we can truly touch another life.
So what does this have to do with my weight loss journey?
I believe when walls are built up in any part of our lives it blocks us from achieving and being all we are meant to be,even to be able to love ourselves enough to want to move forward in any area of our lives. I think when we can have unconditional love("true love") for ourselves we can be content with where we are so that we can move forward, instead of always looking back or putting up walls to our own forward growth. When we can learn to tear down the walls and be open to who we really are can we then be willing to turn and move in a forward direction instead of always looking back or stay in a holding pattern.
In a country song by Rascal Flatts, "Unstoppable", the words in the song say that love is unstoppable. How true is it that when you can truly love oneself that you can then be truly unstoppable.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not
boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight
in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ..
If you love yourself the way God intended you would be patient in your endeavors, you would be kind to yourself, you would not boast or be proud...etc. You will not quit. You will persevere (verb(usedwithoutobject)
Wow! yes, indeed it has been a long time! An update on the mission. fail. I did not finish.
However, the past few months have been both good and bad. Bad, in that I haven't been working out the past few weeks and have not kept up with "clean" eating. The results will show themselves. The reasons for this backward trend are indeed a result of a poor internal climate. What happens on the inside almost always shows up on the outside.
Here is something I read today that really resonated with me.
"Circumstances - it's what happens to us; it's life. There are basically
two types of people. There's the kind of person that basically accepts
their life; they just accept what's happening to them, they're up,
they're down. Basically their circumstances control them, their
feelings, their attitudes, their moods, etc. We've
all been there. Then there's another type of person that gets up
every day and they don't accept their life, they lead their life. They
determine their priorities, they determine their choices. They still
have negative circumstances like everyone, but they lead their lives.
The difference isn't in how life treats you, it's in how you respond to
life. We can't control the positives and negatives of life, many of the
circumstances sure. But we can control our reaction to them, our
attitudes, how we live. They're the settings of life’s chessboard, or
the kind and amount of the challenges on life’s game. It’s the way the
scenario is presented to us. However, WE are the players; WE decide how
we are going to face and tackle each obstacle towards OUR goals. We may
fall, we may get hurt, we may lose some plays … But WE have to make
every effort we can and make each play worth having being played!
Circumstances don't make you. You make yourself."
The circumstances of my life the past few months have not been ideal and have mostly been out of my control. Divorce and loss of my job, both within 2 weeks of each other, and also losing contact with one of my best friends. I was doing ok for a while, but then started focusing on the "sting" of rejection. When I read this quote above, I realized I was letting my circumstances control me, my feelings, my attitude, my moods. I was letting my feelings of rejection control my life. I was basically letting myself go through the motions. I was letting my Powerful Reasons Why fade. I was starting to focus on what was "missing" in my life.
The Good. I have met an amazing man who is helping me to regain my focus. He is helping me to see what is good and great in my life again. He has helped me to reclaim my smile.
We shared a trip to Panama City Beach, Florida earlier this month.
We are planning a return trip in May. As of today, it is 84 days away.
I have been dragging my feet to move forward with my life. I basically feel like I have been coasting in my life the past few months. The dreams and goals I set out for myself in early November had been pushed back. The quote above reminds me I need to get back into the game and start Making my own plays. I need to dig deep to find that drive and determination I had back in September 2006 when I started this weight loss journey, to take control of my inner climate. I can continue to let the waves carry me wherever they may or I can set out my sails and direct my ship.
I can say I will start another mission with an external motivator as a return trip to Panama City Beach, but in reality for me external motivators have proven to not be a motivating factor. I need an internal motivation. They say "the pain of staying where you are has to become greater than the pain to change" in order to make changes in your life. It was true for me in 2006 and it is true for me in 2012. The internal motivator is how I feel about myself. I want to feel confident in myself again. I want to believe in my dreams again. I can not do this for anyone else or for a trip back to the beach. I must do this for me. It is not a selfish thing. Making myself better for me will only result in making myself better for others.
Mission: PCB2/Return to me How am I going to do this? Mindset is key!! It is the key to any transformation. What I am thinking and saying and believing about myself are the determining factors in a successful "mission" and transformation. Affirmations are a great way to change what I am thinking, saying and believing about myself. Affirmations are what helped me to lose 90 lbs. And it is what will help me to regain my confidence...as well as a "beach ready" body. Metabolic Masterpiece. Scott Tousignant has designed an amazing program. This has to top off any other program he has put together for the length I have been following him.(since 2006) The two phases I have done I thoroughly enjoyed.
Part of my internal motivations is to regain my self-confidence. A great confidence boosting feat would be to become a "Metabolic Masterpiece" success story. Accountability/Support. First and foremost, I must be accountable to myself. But it helps to enlist others to assist you in this area. Without accountability and support it would be all too easy to just quit when the going gets tough. One form of accountability I will use will be to follow through with posting on this blog. A couple of years ago I was a part of an online fitness forum and daily postings was a key factor in accountability and even the support of fellow members. Daily pics was also a part of that accountability.
Part of this accountability/support is a "challenge" shared with this amazing man in my life. I have "challenged" him to lose 40 lbs by my birthday in August. The "challenge" for me is to drop my bodyfat % to 21% (from my starting scale bf% of 30%) by May 19 and to 15% by my birthday in August. Powerful Reason Why. I want to regain my self-confidence. I want to feel good about myself again. I don't want to feel the pain of disappointment. The numbers don't really mean anything to me. It is the way I will feel when I reach those numbers. I want to feel Unstoppable!
How I felt at the end of this video...this is my PRW...my internal motivator.
Starting Stats:
As of 2/12/12
weight: 157.2 lbs
waist: 34"
hips: 41"
scale bf%: 30%
Goal: by May 19, 2012
weight: 150 lbs.
waist: 32"
hips: 39"
scale bf%: 21%
